Is Being in a Relationship with Someone Before Marriage Okay?

Q:   Is Being in a Relationship with Someone Before Marriage Okay?

My 2 cents....
It's very healthy to 'hang out', to do things together. To really get to know the person that 'might be the one'.

You've heard me say before…"don't go down dark alleys"…. well, that's how it is when you're in that limbo state before marriage.  And we know the concern here is sexual temptation...

By now, you should know your weaknesses and things that could push you over the edge. 
For some, holding hands or even kissing 'hello' & 'bye' are nothing big.  It may not be an issue with you, but the other factor is 'what are his/her weaknesses?' 

One thing you have to hold onto is that you have to be the 'strong one'.  You can't expect him/her to be strong against temptation etc.

Back to "don't go down dark alleys"… 

This is putting yourself or your girl/guy friend in a place of temptation.  Communication from the very beginning is the best investment in your relationship.  Be mature and talk about this subject together... it's much easier to be on the same page of desiring to be pure. 

Watching out for 'traps'...

Picking a movie heavy-laden with sex or lust in it. Meeting in private settings. Alcohol, drugs (LOL… well, I gotta put that in there)--deadened senses can have you in a trap before you know it!  For girls… provocative clothing (going swimming might be better done with your girlfriends).  And I mentioned holding hands & kissing… again... can be no big deal…but a monitor on the types of 'touch' are important…. because we know very well that one thing can lead to another, so mutually set your boundary, else you'll be justifying the next trap and the next... and satan will have you saying 'but that's not sex' and perverse, lustful or whatever spirits enter in to harm your relationship. Massage, holding around the waist, stroking his/her back or hair… these are potential danger zones.

The safe zone...

One really good suggestion that keeps you in a 'safe zone' is to go out with other friends as a group, or family…or just doing everything very public.  It's absolutely the best suggestion I have for you.  Make no 'secret places' for sin to get a toe in...

Luke 11: 33-34

“No one, after lighting a lamp, puts it away in a cellar nor under a basket, but on the lampstand, so that those who enter may see the light. The eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is clear, your whole body also is full of light; but when it is bad, your body also is full of darkness."

Pre-covenant-covenants...

One more thing... be careful as you progress in your relationship.  Don't get trapped in pleasing society, parents etc.... go by what feels right in your relationship with God.  Thinking "I've got to have this and that, before I get married," can be putting a bulls-eye on your relationship.  Long engagements as required by a church or because it's what Mom and Dad did or expect... or fear of shame in going to the Justice of Peace and declaring your covenant before God (as if it were not valid).. take these things captive and speak with God and your mate for the real solution.
True, there is self control to be learned in the pre-covenant stage, but realizing that circumstances need not be 'storybook'-- that unrealistic expectations can become more of a cage then real preparation, is key.

Raiding the cookie jar...

Never... I repeat, NEVER pledge a covenant to make having sex 'okay'.  I can't tell you how many ruined relationships I come across because of this. Remember the lamp stand scripture above?  Make the commitment public... make it a celebration and then enjoy the perks.  If you raid all the chocolate chips from the cookie dough before you bake it, you'll wreck the cookie! "Secrecy" points to decisions based on Lust.

If you did screw it up (a very common blunder these days), know that satan has a doorway wherever there is sin... EVEN IF you have premarital sex AND THEN get married... you still have to break the evil soul ties that entered in that moment you turned from the truth.  They don't magically 'right' themselves and will plague your marriage until you confess the sin and make it right in Christ Jesus.

Being free...

If you do head towards "With this ring, I thee Wed"...focusing on the heart of what pledging yourself to another is about, and then committing to honor it is far greater than the fancy wedding, the dream honeymoon, etc. If you've spent your 'dating'/healthy relationship time in pursuing God in equal yoking, being transparent in communication and doing what's best for 'your other', you'll have set a solid foundation for the blessing unto the thousandth generation!

"..and showing covenant faithfulness to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Exodus 20:6 (NET Bible)

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The Betrayed, the Pawn and the Source

Ever get stuck in a rut of trusting people and then getting betrayed; then starting to heal and letting your guard down only to be betrayed again?  This painful cycle pushes many to shut down and close the shell but we have to learn that the more anointing we have the more the enemy notices & if people have a door of access.... the enemy knows that the ones closest to us are the ones to target the most.  So... get used to it.

Some of it is a maturity thing as well.  We have to grow in discernment.  Are we finding our fulfillment in telling the Lord everything and conversing with Him, or do we lack a bit of trust and find ourselves feeding our pearls to swine?  Do we use our pearls to get attention? Ouch!

As we grow in the anointing, however, we need to be on our toes and be 'bigger' than offenses.  The enemy loves to break up relationships simply because it is in the foundation of his fall because: "Where 2 or 3 are gathered, I AM there in the midst".  It's just like in the scary movies… why does that one always break off from the group and go alone? We need to put our spiritual glasses on and see what the enemy is doing & that it's not the people attacking us, but in their weak spots... it's the enemy.  Sure the people agree with that wrong spirit ... but they are currently blind to what they are doing-- forgive them, they know not what they do.  

I often tell my elder son, "honey, it takes 2 to be in a fight and you're older and 'know better', I expect you to be the mature one and let this thing go to keep the peace."  So in that, can you also see that if God is raising you up, yet your attacker is more of a babe, Father God does expect more of you as well.  Hand that pain over to Him, sit at His footstool and learn to discern.  As time grows you'll realize His Spirit was warning you and giving you discernment as to be more clear so the enemy wouldn't come in to twist things… was warning you not to divulge certain things to certain people because they are weak in an area; was warning you it was a pearl given to you and ONLY for you. (Kudos to journaling…. if you haven't started, hop to it…. some things you learn from HISTORY, and if you don't record your history…. you better have an amazing memory LOL!)

So if this is indeed a recurring cycle, know the enemy is having a great time with your REACTION.  Ever hear the phrase "Go round that mountain one more time, sweet Jesus"?  The cycle persists because 'IT WORKS'!  Perhaps you are looking at the person & your anger, hurt, & caving in etc. is directed towards them.  So you need to shift how you are seeing all of this... if the person is a pawn (which they are) then you can begin to see as Jesus views this & love the person & target the enemy instead.  If your reaction is going to send you into a pity party every time-- then the enemy is going to play this card over & over.  Then you'll end up a wounded, dried-up shell upon the floor.  If you learn to see it for what it is...if you therefore STAND...then he'll hafta try something new because if he can't get a rise outta ya....he has to fleeeeeeee.

Ladies… this is harder for us women to deal with because we are social & we do get our hearts wrapped up in things; we do pass out our pearls and more frequently wear our hearts on our sleeves...  but when we KNOW what the enemy is doing we can really overcome!

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Learning to Grow in Relationship and Spiritual Discernment

hearingGod's Letter:Words are powerful...they can create life or death. Consider how many people have said bad things about 'Bob'....those things become a curse & drag him down--it gives the devil access to torment him. I'm more careful now about how I judge people, because people can be so influenced by the devils voice. We should take it out on the devil & shut the access down instead of calling people stupid so much.

'Bob' I really admire...he is a really talented person--gifted in soooo many areas. Just so many nay-sayers that shut him down at times.
Most people want to medicate & drug the world...but I think darn near all of it is caused by spiritual access by the devil. Much of it built up curses that run in family lines. I tell you, I learn a lot more from God outside of man's view ofchurch since out of a 'padded pew'.

Sometimes you listen to those little voices too much...those ones that call you 'a damn sinner' & judge you as rotten because you don't go to church etc.-- that's a spirit of religion. I see more character in you than many that brag of being the number one bible study leader. You just need to believe you are who God says you are in Him & profess that when the 'thoughts' condemn you--because if you haven't figured out what i'm getting at...is that not every voice you hear in your head is your own...some of them you've 'thought' is 'you' your whole life---but really are inherited demons thru family curses. Then ofcourse you've got people you know that open pandora's box all the time & let the devil run right into their lives....that is different.
You can break the access the devil has by drawing close to Jesus & asking Him for deliverance. Asking for the sins of past generations to be broken so that they cannot have access to your child. I could tell you some wild stories. It just comes down to a matter of believing what the bible says & whenever you screw up to go to Him & ask forgiveness & then your slate is wiped clean & it doesn't get passed on to your kids. It won't work if you do it outta lip service out of fear...if you genuinely get to know Jesus & believe what He's promising--then you'll see all sorts of miracles & hear His 'voice' in all sorts of ways. Having a relationship--that's key. You'd do anything for a friend that you love...that's the kinda relationship God wants with people. 'Religion' just wants people in bondage & under laws & judgement. God only gave 'laws' so people wouldn't do things that would give the devil access into themselves....but a spirit of religion wants you to dress 'right', do this, do that or you'll burn in hell--Ha ha ha. Once you understand the difference between the 'why' God commanded something---that it was to protect people--you can really have freedom in life. Man puts himself into bondage under a spirit of religion. When 'free' you can explore that truly nothing is impossible & that God put talents upon you & desires in your heart & that you should pursue those things. You find fulfillment in life & His kingdom comes--everybody's happy ; p

Seeking Christian's Reply Letter:

Thank you....that helped.
You made me realize how much I put 'Bob' down myself.
I'm not sure about the family curses etc. and I know I'm not the best person but I appologize to God when I think bad thoughts about others and thank him for things that are good. I don't claim to be a holy roller or the best christian, that's one thing that bugs me about those who do....when their actions don't support values. I talk to God, well usually thank you or 'I'm sorry' just about everyday. THANK YOU FOR MY SON ALL THE TIME, I'M SOOO LUCKY TO HAVE HIM. I appologize for thinking to myself how fat someone is. I ask for help to get some of the horrible thoughts that go through my mind out. I pray when someone needs help or dies; but thats about it. I dont think you'd call that a relationship. I have some work to do.

hearingGod's Reply Letter:
You're really on the right track. The way to boost the relationship more is to do as much listening as you do talking ; ') and by that I mean investing some time in reading the bible. I don't do it nearly often enough myself, but I had a few intense years of reading it a lot so it's easier for me to find what i'm looking for...or God to remind me of a story that relates to a situation I need help with.

A good way to start is start at the 4 gospels & read from them to the end of the bible (over a period of time of course) ...then...what I would do is just ask God what he wanted to say to me...or to learn or whatever & I'd hear that 'small still voice' tell me a book & then some numbers. If I wasn't sure if it was chapter 2: vs 31 or chapter 23 vs. 1...I'd just read both. Other days I'd just close my eyes, pick a page & point & then read whatever my finger landed on. Some days stuff wouldn't correlate at all but others I'd have a tear in my eye because He'd nail my problem or encourage me or whatever. It's always hard at first, but getting into a set groove about it (I think my first dedication to reading the Word was bathroom visits--LOL). The neat thing is everybody's relationship with him is different so stuff me & 'Papa' share won't be the same as how you 2 do. That's a huge problem in institutionalized 'church'....one person gives a testimonial on how fasting did some miracle in their life so then everybody else decides to follow it like it's some recipe or formula. So essentially people don't consult God for their needs & situations...they follow a formula, like God is some genie in a bottle. So then they wonder why God never does anything for them...well, duh....they never got close enough to Him...they just wanted to hang out with a human that did. If you put that into human relational terms...they aren't being friends with God are they?... I'd be ticked-off to be treated that way.

All I can say is spiritually speaking...the devil doesn't want you to get close to God so you'll just have these feelings & thoughts that are negative vs. reading the scriptures. And you'll hear excuses in your head & yawning & all sorts of stuff. But that's the thing...you already have a good communication base with Him...you just need to hear more of His heart & plans through the word. As you invest in that...suddenly, your ears & eyes will begin to open...a song (and i'm not talking christian radio either!) will come on the radio that has the same theme of something you just read that last night...someone will say something in conversation & although they are clueless, you can recognize that God is answering a question you just asked through them. It is pretty wild how God speaks & it's not all religiousy & solemn either. That's why I love the 'matrix' movie series so much...it's not a religious movie...but it's really true to what is going on spiritually in this day & age--I know whoever wrote it...that God was inspiring their pen.

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